I Am Not Proud
My definition of pride is caring about what other people think of me and for the most part I don't. That's a bold statement and I don't mean for it to be. I definitely care about how people treat me and that's often tied into their opinion so I'm not being an absolutist. Some things that a lot of people find important are of little interest to me, cars for example. I drive a 2005 Toyota Camry with 230K miles on it that is a hand me down from my mother. I'm almost 60. I also don't try to appear neutral on controversial topics. My wife has to shush me around Republicans because I have a tendency to tell her the latest asshole thing they've done at a volume level loud enough to be heard by people who may disagree with me. I'll lower my voice so as not to embarrass Wonder Woman, but I really don't care if Trump fans hear me call him stupid. What are they gonna do except repeat something they heard on Fox News?
My Dad joined the Army when they still starched their uniforms into cardboard and wore spit-shined boots, not the brown suede things GIs get to wear today. He's been out of the Army 50+ years and he still takes his clothes to the dry cleaners to be pressed. He gets them pressed before he gives them away. Not me. In the past few years, I've adopted the Steve Jobs philosophy of having a personal uniform, but instead of a black turtleneck, I wear black polo shirts. I am not trying to impress anyone with my clothes. I'm not trying to be Johnny Cash. I'm just simplifying my day and trying to be comfortable.
In my cycling days, I used to laugh at people who spent thousands of dollars on bike parts so they could go faster on the following Saturday's club side. I loved cycling for the joy of being outside and of completing something hard at the end of the day, not because I could pedal faster than the dentist riding next to me or the real estate salesman in front of me. I looked at bike riding as a social activity and a way to help people accomplish goals, not as a competition between middle-aged guys in spandex. Competitive people were always the ones who caused the very real crashes that had long lasting and permanent consequences.
Wonder Woman is a competitive athlete, but she enters races where the stated goal is to come in first. She doesn't go to the local running club's fun run and try to embarrass people by beating them back to the water cooler. I've seen too much competitive one upmanship in my life to ever want to take part in it in any way. Even on something as contemplative as an Appalachian Trail thru hike, there were people who always wanted to compare miles hiked and pace at the end of the day. They were not well liked.
Old timers in recovery meetings will cut off newcomers who engage in what we call junkie pride. That's when a person gets to telling stories on and on about how sick they were and to prove it here's a list of all the awful things they did. We believe in confession and being honest, but you can tell when a person is trying to prove that they have come further than others because their addiction was somehow worse than everyone else. On the flip side are the people who think there is some kind of seniority structure in sobriety. I am grateful to have been sober for 15 years and if things go like they should, I'll quietly and gratefully celebrate year 16 on December 28, but I don't think for a minute that I know secrets that people who've only been sober 14 years don't know because that's ridiculous. I don't wear my abstinence from alcohol and drugs on my sleeve because I want to be remembered for the things I did, not for the things I didn't do.
I think I like blogging as much as I do because I can authentically be myself without a care in the world. There are lots of people who have been doing it longer than me. There are lots of people whose blogs are more popular than mine. I don't care about either one, because I'm not competing. I'm just here for the kindness and the community. I enjoy the conversations and the lessons to be learned from the mass of people who participate in blogging culture. I'm grateful not proud.
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