I Know Everything About You
I worked with a guy for twenty years. I knew his three daughters by sight and watched them progress and graduate from the school system that employed their father and me. I knew this guy's wife, his father, his mom's health history. I knew what he did in the Air Force and I knew about most of the other jobs he'd had. He was a nice person, helpful, knowledgeable, personable. He drove me crazy.
He talked about himself and his life a fair bit, which I don't mind. I like getting to know people. I'm not invasive, but I'll ask questions when people tell stories. I'm not above repeating those stories (not the private ones) if I'm around a crowd that listens. For instance, the guy at work that I'm talking about was a nuclear weapons specialist. He had a picture of himself in his office, in an Air Force uniform, sitting casually atop an atomic bomb. He'd served during the Cold War. He talked honestly about how much it affected his psyche to be constantly worried about having to deploy one of those things.
I'm a Cold War vet too, but if you asked this fellow what branch of the military I was in, he would have no idea. He couldn't tell you the names of my children to save his life. If you asked him to name a fact about one of my parents, he couldn't do it. It wasn't just me either. Several of us worked side by side for more than a decade and his knowledge about their lives was the same as it was about mine. He just wasn't the least bit interested in anyone else. He listened because he was polite, but he didn't care enough to retain anything.
The universe handed me a few lifelong impediments, but that's balanced with the unearned gifts it also provided. One of those gifts is a good memory. I can absorb facts, any facts, like a sponge. Although some people view that as a sign of intelligence, I know better. I'm no better than average at problem solving. I don't like unknowns, so I never liked math. I did well in science classes where we learned about systems, like biology. I did poorly in classes where we solved problems, like chemistry.
Remembering facts about the people I meet is the one people skill I've used over the years. I get a kick out of surprising someone when I remember where they went to elementary school or their pet's name because, at one time, they'd mentioned it in a conversation. Lots of people stuff is hard for me. I think I have poor emotional intelligence. I'm judgy as hell. I forget that people need to hear "Hey, would you mind doing me a favor, when you get a chance?" before I ask them to do the job they're already paid to do. If we work together long enough, I'll grow on you. I promise. You just have to get to know me.
I've found that most people are flattered if you show interest in their lives, meaning that you see them as a human being and not just a cog in a big machine. Even introverts will open up after a while. I don't give up easily. If we are in any situation, work or otherwise, I'm going to get you to talk.
The counter to that is the trait that brings out that judgy side I mentioned. If you only want to talk about you, if you don't ask questions, if you go slack-jawed with boredom unless you're the center of a conversation, well, then, I'm probably not going to be one of your fans. Sorry. I guess one thing I need to know about the people in my life is that they see others as the complicated, imperfect but endlessly fascinating creatures that we all are. The guy I worked with for twenty years never learned a thing about me, and I've forgotten nothing about him. That's the whole difference, right there.
Show me you see the people around you, and I'm in your corner for life. Don't, and I already know how that story ends.
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