My Letter to a Homophobic Friend
I'm a digital pack rat who enjoys browsing through decades-old emails and blog posts from the 90s when I was on GeoCities. I recently found a letter I wrote to a homophobic friend in 1997, where I tried to disabuse him of some backward notions and challenge some of his beliefs. I won't reprint the whole thing because parts of it are cringeworthy, and I use language in it that wouldn't fly today. However, I am glad to see that most of what I believed 27 years ago, I still believe today.
My friend was unhappy that the use of the word "homophobia" was becoming common. He said no one was afraid of gay people and that there was no fear involved. My response dipped into armchair psychology mode, but in hindsight, I still see it as a valid argument.
There is a fear of homosexuals in our society. I believe almost everyone has, at some point, either had some sort of homosexual experience (rarely) or had a homosexual fantasy (commonly). This act or thought provokes such shame and guilt in some people, usually men, that a strong aversion occurs—one that is so psychologically entwined with self-identity that an overemphasis occurs in denying or rejecting the act or thought. We all know men who are so insecure they can't carry their wife's purse for her, buy her tampons, or admit that Tom Cruise is handsome. Why? Because someone might think they are gay, and since they once had a homosexual fantasy, they might be gay. So they better tell some [gay] jokes, buy themselves a four-wheel-drive pickup, a shotgun, and a Pit Bull, and put that rumor to rest right now.
His other complaint was that the "homosexual agenda" was being pushed and promoted. I think the people doing the promotion were "the liberals" and "the media." This was during the Clinton administration, when the culture wars were just getting started, but the flames of it were already burning brightly.
Since I live in North Carolina, prime Bible Belt country, I don't get to see this homosexual promotion everyone is talking about. In fact, I see the opposite. People may not use the N-word much anymore, but calling someone the other F-word happens all the time. Some of the gay people I know are ridiculed, shunned, and ostracized. I've never known a gay recruiter sent by the National Gay Headquarters to a lonely post in my town to convert school children to the cause. I do know my company doesn't fire openly gay employees as it did ten years ago, but I also know people who don't feel sorry for AIDS victims. Logic tells me that no one chooses to be gay any more than you choose to be straight. Who would pick a lifestyle that offers the possibility of harassment, discrimination, the loss of family ties, and the small chance of ever being a parent?
Thankfully, some of my arguments seem simplistic today. Maybe they are even regarded as common sense. As a straight guy with the privilege that entails, I have the luxury of only thinking about the subject when I feel like it or when I see some backward behavior. Unfortunately, the right wing has chosen to ramp up its attacks with things like banning books about LGBT issues and making Tim Walz's sponsorship of the Gay/Straight Alliance at the high school where he taught into an issue.
Since I wrote that letter, some positive things have happened in American society. Same-sex marriage was legalized, and lots of people now know same-sex couples. Contrary to the fearmongering by conservatives, none of us straight folks had to get divorced, nor is it now legal to marry your pet. You can also be gay and out in the military without jeopardizing your career. Last time I checked, the US wasn't threatened by another country due to the weak state of the Army and Marines. I'm glad both of those things have happened, and I hope that an inevitable future conservative win in an election doesn't undermine them.
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