Overthinkers Anonymous
If you and I are even on a road trip together and things get quiet in the car and you ask me what I'm thinking about and I answer "Nothing," let me tell you right now, that will be a lie. I am always thinking about something. As long as I have been cognizant, I have had a busy mind. Used productively it can be a real blessing. I'm an excellent planner. I can come up with "what ifs" like nobody's business. I make contingency plans at a professional level. Whether I'm planning a camping trip, a bike ride or day taking photos, I am not likely to forget anything. I will include everything I could need or want without a tremendous amount of overpacking. It's a blessing.
The counterproductive opposite is when I have tried to control the uncontrollable or the unknown. To say that I have worried about stuff I could do nothing about is an understatement. That's when doing the "What if" thing becomes a burden instead of a blessing. What if they don't like me? What if I can't do what they want me to do? What if my best isn't good enough? I have been down that road a few times more than I'd like to think about.
When I started studying meditation at the beginning of my sobriety journey, I was looking for an alternative to supernatural spirituality. I had tried for years with all my might to forge a connection to the omniscient God my friends and family claimed and I'd never felt a thing, not one single moment of a "relationship." I'd attended several churches, counseled with pastors and respected religious and conventionally spiritual friends and nothing ever clicked. Since I didn't have an invisible friend to pray to, I decided I could at least learn to meditate.
I read books by all kinds of people, from newsman Dan Harris whose secular book, 10% Happier is great, to the Dalia Lama. I listened to dharma talks from meditation teachers and I got all the meditation apps. I began to sit quietly in my bedroom with the door shut and a timer going and for the first time in my life I learned how to stop the incessant head chatter through the simple mindfulness technique of controlled breathing. I have not been a consistent meditator all these years. I go through long dry spells without any kind of formal practice. In 2018 I went through another period of fairly intense study and managed to go 365 days without missing a day of meditation time.
Along the way there have been a few lessons learned. One of the best is that I learned that it's possible to eliminate most negative self talk. I used to treat myself horribly in imaginary conversations. If I dropped something in the kitchen, I'd think to myself "You idiot". If I was troubleshooting a computer and made a mistake, I'd often verbally say things like, "You're such a dumbass." I don't talk to other people like that. I'm usually the one to be kind and remind them that mistakes happen and that no one is perfect. I had no reason to be so hard on myself. It wasn't constructive discipline. It was self-defeating. These days, I hardly ever even consider thinking like that. I broke the habit.
I also don't go down the "what if" anxiety rabbit holes. I don't do the imaginary conversations in my head with my perceived "enemies" because I don't foster the kind of resentments that I used to. I'm much more grounded with what is going on around me than I am wondering about whether I'll get a raise on the next round of evaluations or being mad about the raise I didn't get in 2006, even though I really deserved it. I go to sleep easily for the first time in my life and when i wake up in the middle of the night, the first thing that pops into my head isn't an entry from the list of my life's most embarrassing moments.
I suppose I will always have a busy mind. I like having something to think about and to chew over. Even though I am not often loquacious, I use my blogs to get out the things that are in my head. It works for me.
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