Rules of the Blues by Memphis Earlene
"Rules Of The Blues" by Memphis Earlene
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2.
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you
get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...
sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a
good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret
Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not
about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way
out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and
broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility
Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to
die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin'
to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old
enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any
place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just
clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the
best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place
that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness
ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your
leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a
alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues
in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the
parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for
the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. An empty
bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for
the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. Gallery openings
c.
Ivy league institutions
d. Golf courses
12. No one
will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a
old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
13. You have the
right to sing the Blues if:
a. You older than dirt
b. You
blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be
satisfied
14. You don't have the right to sing the Blues
if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but
now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a
pension fund
15. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a
matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston
could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues
17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a.
Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d.
Nasty black coffee
18. The following are NOT Blues
beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a
shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous
lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance
abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death
if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
20. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big
Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
21.
Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c.
Little Willie
d. Big Willie
22. Persons with names
like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter
how many men they shoot in Memphis.
23. Make your own
Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Melon, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson
or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
24. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer,
you cannot sing the blues.