Use This Curse on Your Worst Enemy
If I have one favorite thing in the whole world to think about, it's me. Left to my own devices, I am definitely my own favorite thing to contemplate. I'm constantly evaluating whether I feel good enough and if not, what I can do to rectify that situation. Do I need a snack? Maybe some cell phone time is called for. Maybe I am working too hard, and I need a break. Are people treating me with enough respect? Are my co-workers doing their fair share of tasks? Are raises coming up? Will I get what I deserve?
If I had the power to do one thing to my worst enemy, I would make that bastard as self-centered as possible, because brothers and sisters, let me tell you, a self-centered existence is a miserable existence. Until I was 43, the answer to the internal question "Do I feel good enough?" was always, "No, you need a drink." It didn't matter if I'd just had 15 drinks, and I often had, the answer to every question was "You need a drink." Addiction is a disease of self-centeredness, but we don't have the market cornered, not by a long shot.
It's no mystery why the center of 12 Step recovery is helping other people. It's a surefire way to get out of your own head, to quit thinking about number one for a while. Forever and ever until the day I die, I will always be willing to listen to anyone with an addiction problem, not because I'm any kind of saint. I am not. I just know that my own survival is dependent on not falling into that thing AA calls the bondage of self.
Part of the process of maturing is internalizing the realization that the world doesn't revolve around us as individuals. I would have never said it did. I just acted like it. I had to wait until middle age to accept that getting my way is not a necessity. I am not anyone's idea of a doormat these days, but I am not hung up on the alpha male ethos. I find it kind of gross. I get creeped out by being around people who have control issues. I figure that all of the talk we as Americans do about freedom and individuality actually has some meaning. I tend to leave other adults alone to do their own thing as much as possible. It's a shame that career progressions often involve supervising other people because that's a non-starter for me. I don't mind leading a bicycle ride or a hike, but I want no part of managing other people. I never have.
Every once in a while, I will wake up with something or someone else on my mind instead of taking my own emotional inventory as a matter of course. I'll get started on a day thinking about how someone else is doing, wondering if they need help and making a plan to offer it, whether it be someone at work or one of my kids or even Wonder Woman, as self-sufficient as she is. The days when it's effortless to stay out of my head are always great days. Behavioral scientists talk about getting into a "flow" state. I don't know much about that, but I do know about getting into a "it's not about Lou" state. I love it. When someone asks me a question about what software will solve a particular problem for them and I have the time to type out a detailed answer, I feel great. It's nice to get feedback after the fact, but if I don't hear from them again, I just figure that my solution worked, and I still feel great.
I feel kind of sad when I read blogs of people who are perpetually angry at the world. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of anger against the right-wingers and fascists, against the patriarchy and white supremacy, but I also have love in my heart for my comrades and fellow travelers. I don't feel like a victim, and I don't carry around personal resentments. I have lots of room for growth, so I'm not putting myself in for a mental health award or anything, but I do recognize progress and I've made a ton of it, with plenty of help and good examples.
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